Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Randomize
