why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
