We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Randomize
