I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
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