i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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