Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
