sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
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