Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
