Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Randomize
