Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
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