Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
