positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
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