...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
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