I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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