So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
