Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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