if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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