he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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