I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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