So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Randomize
