i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Oh god it's open bar.
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize