Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
