Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
Ladies don't puke and tell
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
