next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
