just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
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