Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Eww. Jon Gosselin got both his ears pierced.
He looks like a bad one night stand.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
well you can't waste a boner
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
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