Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
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