I could have mohawked her pubes.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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