Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
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