another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Randomize
