I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
accomplished twins. life is a go
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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