he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
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