I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
