she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
