The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
