Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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