....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
