I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
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