He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
