I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
