Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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