life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Randomize