she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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