he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
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