i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Randomize
