I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
Randomize