I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Randomize
