dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Randomize