No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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