i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
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