i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
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