He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize