The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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