I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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