We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
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