I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
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