I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
Randomize
