apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
