The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
so we had a 20 minute conversation and created the fb page WWND (what would Nana do?) last night after we took our Ambien...that is my definition of an overachiever
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
