I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
